Single Seasonal Affective Disorder

This may sound a bit bah-humbuggy, but I, for one am really glad the holiday season is over!  It’s not that I don’t like the holidays.  I do.  I love seeing friends, seeing the decorations, hearing the carols, watching the TV specials, cooking, giving gifts, making merry, and all that jazz as much as the next gal … but, I hate it all, too.  It depresses me terribly.  Like cry myself to sleep because I feel sorry for myself kind of sadness.  It’s not something I’m proud of.  I know I’m not the only single person in the world.  And I know there are a lot of people who have real problems to deal with.  But these are my problems and it’s hard to just shrug them off as silly when they weigh me down so heavily.   

I don’t have a family I’m particularly close to (geographically or emotionally); I don’t have kids; I don’t have a special someone in my life.  So, my season of love and family and sharing is a bit warped and I’m a bit jaded by the lack.  Most folks I know are thrilled to take time off work to go visit family (or entertain family) and spend time with loved ones.  I wish I had someone to go see or someone to see me… I wish I had my own family and holiday traditions to start.  I’m terrified that my time is up and I’ll never have the opportunity to be a mom and experience the joy of Christmas morning with the kids coming down the stairs and seeing presents from Santa under the tree.

As a single person, I get really down on myself this time of year.  Going to parties alone is a total drag – especially when 99.8% of the other people there are married (or in a relationship).  Don’t even get me started on fielding questions from friends and/or parents of friends who, after not having seen me for a while, feel compelled to ask if there is anyone in my life.  Argh?!  If there was someone in my life don’t you think he’d be there with me?  Don’t you think I’d be shouting it from the roof tops (cue Etta James’s “At Last”)?   Sigh.  I know it’s all well-intentioned, but it’s not something I want to be asked – especially when I’m clearly at a function alone.   Seriously.  Exercise some common sense and discretion, people!  There should be a rule about not asking people about their dating status (along the lines of the rule that you don’t ask a women if she’s pregnant – for fear of her not being so)…  Yeah, getting asked if I’m seeing anyone when I’m not is like a non-pregnant woman getting asked when she’s due.  It just makes me feel like [more of] a loser.  Why don’t you just punch me in the gut and tell me I’m a freak?!  Along the same lines, I know you’re trying to make me feel better, but please don’t tell me how wonderful and beautiful I am and that all single men must be idiots to not snatch me up.  Of course I agree with you but I just don’t want to hear it.  Instead of trying to make me feel better, I’d prefer you spend your energy finding me a non-idiotic man who is emotionally available and has minimal baggage.  If you can’t do that or don’t know anyone who may fit the bill, please don’t discuss dating (or my lack thereof) with me.  Please. 

It’s not the shorter days and lack of sunlight that gets me down this time of year.  It’s being single.  It’s not having a date for the holiday parties.  It’s not having someone to kiss when the ball drops on January first. 

The days are getting longer.  I have my racing schedule squared away.  I am running and feeling good – finally.  I’m taking a belly dancing class for no reason other than it sounded like fun (and it’s not running, biking, or swimming).  I am thrilled to have begun a new year. 

For the time being, I am once again at peace with my singledom.  I would prefer not to be, don’t get me wrong  but the truth is that I like my life.  I like being able to train and race and do my own thing and not have to get someone else’s permission to do what I want to do or spend money the way I want to spend it.  It’s just something about the holidays that makes me a crazy, sad, emotionally unstable person.  I took down my decorations last week and the feelings of self pity got boxed away with the ornaments.  All I can do is hope that next November/December there will be someone special in my life to share the season with.  Here’s to hope.